What Does Your Car Really Say About You or How Your Car Really is Classified?

In this ever increasing car world of ours it is getting more and more difficult to classify cars! First is started with just Coupe, Sedan, and Truck. Now there are Crossovers, SUVs, SAVs, compact, sub-compact, mid-sized, you name it! Then they introduced Hybrids, PZEV, Electric, I can’t take it anymore!  There has to be an easier way, right?

The reality is we don’t use those classifications unless we’re parked parked at a dealership rummaging through the brochures. Seriously, just look at the car and you know exactly what that thing represents.  When you’re out in the world you use a whole different lexicon to describe a car that just drove past you.  These titles may even deter you from buying a car you want because the title goes with it! Let’s walk you through a few.

Chick Magnet
Probably one of the most overused adjectives at any car lot is the Chick Magnet. The concept is easy. This car will make you attractive and cause woman to want to ride with you. 9.99 times out of 10 it’ll do the exact opposite and even in the .01 it’s because you’re using it as an Uber and even Uber doesn’t want you.  The worst part is I’ve seen the line used on women! The reality is that if you need a car to get a chicks then you’re already doing something immensely wrong.

Mostly likely you’re driving a Mustang, Challenger, or Camaro

Mid-Life Crisis
This model of car is made for those getting over the hump of life.  It’s that day that you question if you’ve lived life to the fullest.  The cheapest performance cars available that get the most bang for the buck are on the menu.  What it really means is that you’re going to spend above your means, crash the car in a week and break your hip! Thankfully you’re old enough and wise enough to have bought GAP insurance.  If it’s taken you 30 years to get into a fast car it probably doesn’t mean you didn’t live your life to the fullest, more likely you probably weren’t cut out for one in the first place (see Old’s Mobile below).

Most likely you’re driving a Porsche, Corvette and Miata

Girlie Ride
If anything is abhorrent to a male driver it has to be the Girlie Ride. It’s basically a car that would look perfectly acceptable with flower rims, hearts hanging from the rear view, and stuffed animals in the back.  It also emasculates any male that comes within 50 feet of it.  Think about a biker gang member sipping on a Shirley Temple through a straw and that’s about what it does.  If you want your masculinity questioned drive one of these.  Fortunately, scientist say there is no proof that it will do as much damage as drinking soy milk so you should be safe in one, but you may want to avoid prolonged exposure… at least around your cross fit buddies.

Most likely you’re driving a Volkswagon Beetle or Mistubishi Eclipse.

Old’s Mobile
Ever walked up to a car and felt old?  It’s heavy, rocks like an ocean liner, and has seats that feel like your old sofa.  If you’re younger than 50 you may experience a feeling of dread while sitting in one.  The problem is that the Old’s Mobile is constantly changing, so you’ll have to keep up on trends, but it shouldn’t be that hard.  Just sit in the car and if Death is sitting in the back seat pointing a boney finger at you then you may want to pass (no, not die, like find another car!)  In reality the Old’s Mobile won’t kill you, because it hardly goes over 30 mph without a running start, feels like you’re driving at sea and is built like an Abrahms tank, but you may want to consider writing a will.

Most likely you’re driving a Oldsmobile, Buick, or Cadillac.

Douche Wagon
Sit behind the wheel and you’ll feel a sense of your nose getting higher in the air. No, it’s not your seat self-adjusting, it’s actually your attitude changing.  Soon you’ll be triple parking in handicaps spots and telling homeless people to get a job.  That’s right, you think the world is your oyster now and you can do whatever the hell you want, whenever the hell it suits you. Cut off anyone you like, they’re expecting it.  Don’t expect the disease to last forever though.  Shortly after the car gets repossessed and you have to buy a small car because of the amount of depreciation on it, your humility should come right back to you.

Most likely you’re driving a BMW, Mercedes, or Audi with bonus points for the SUV variant.

Yuppie Cruiser
You don’t work. You sit in an office all day barking orders, smoozing the boss, and going on liquid lunches and when the day is over you go to your overpriced condo or making reservation at the restaurant that is impossible to get reservations at.  In reality you have the intensity level of watching grass grow.  In fact, you’re the perfect candidate for the Mid-Life Crisis car in about 10 years when you ask what the hell happened to your life.

Most likely you’re driving a Volvo, Saab, or Alfa Romeo, which comes with vanity plate and executive parking.

Ever seen a 3 foot tall guy step out of a truck that could drive over your house? Of course you have! These guys have deficiencies and for that, they need a vehicle that can compensate! The bigger, the more flamboyant, the better.  Car companies know these guys exist and build these vehicles to target them. You’ll never own one because you can’t deal with excess, but this fills up the compensator void perfectly.  It’s also important to know that the compensator thinks his car is a chick magnet.

Most likely you’re driving a Ferrari or Monster Trucks.

Do you own a small truck or box van?  You’re probably just an upstanding guy that is just trying to get through a day lugging around a ton of equipment for your plumbing or electrical business, but to the outside world you are a predator waiting to pounce. Better make sure some kind of logo is on the side of your truck or you’ll have the cops called faster than you can say cable guy! The worst part is if you’ve got the required wife beater shirt, spare tire, and the right kind of glasses don’t even look at playgrounds.  That is unless you already have a lawyer retained.

Most likely you’re driving a Box Van, Work Van, etc.

Cop Magnet
Your car is loud and sporty or has a bright or unusual color that draws attention to it… the wrong attention.  It doesn’t matter how slow you drive, when you passed that cop he was pretty sure you almost broke the sound barrier.  Every conversation begins with, “do you know how fast you were going?”  If your answer has ever been, “I was parked” then you’re car is probably a cop magnet.  In fact, you may want to retain a lawyer up front. Trust me he’ll get a lot of work because once a cop pulls you over and finds nothing he’ll have to give you a ticket, no matter how bogus, just to save face.

Most likely driving a Lamborghini, a Mustang or anything heavily modified.

Drug Dealer
Cold medicine may have been the worst drug you’ve ever used, but get spotted in one of these cars and by the end of the day you’ll have a wire tap and a drug enforcement van parked out front of your house faster than you can say, buyer’s remorse!  The beauty of this class is you can actually dodge it. How you may ask? Easy! Don’t have nice rims on it! Leave those stock ugly ones on or downgrade to steel rims.  In fact, the uglier the better.  Suddenly you’ll blend right back into the populace as a productive, boring, part of society.

Most likely you’re driving a Lexus or Infiniti, but any Japanese luxury with shiney rims will suffice.

Eco Police
Your car is small and fuel efficient. If it’s not a electric then it’s a hybrid that, although it’s the size of a walnut, costs as much as an H1 Hummer.  You have no problem driving 30 in the high speed lane or enlightening a diesel driver about how his lungs are two charcoal briquettes. You have no facts to back up any of your claims, but you just know without a shadow of a doubt that you’re making a difference and you’re back window has the stickers to prove it.  If you had done a little more research you’d probably realize the car you’re driving is as economical as a coal factory and about as good for the environment as a Chernobyl.  There’s also a good chance it’s a Girlie Ride too.

Most likely you’re driving a Prius or Insight.

Soccer Mom!
Yea, that’s right, you’re a mom! You need to get 6 kids, to band practice, karate class, and most importantly the soccer game and you have to be there yesterday! There are guys hopped up on speed that are jealous of your Adrenalin level.  Although you’re simply a stay at home mom you believe that your directive has priority above all others and you will probably yell fervently at the cop that pulled you over for going 120 mph with the kids in the back because he just doesn’t understand your importance!  Yup, to perform your job you need a vehicle the size of a commuter bus capable of driving over arctic landscape even though the worst terrain you’ve ever faced is a puddle in your driveway.  It’s got to be big and as fuel efficient as a monster truck.

Most likely you’re driving a minivan or SUV, but the bigger the better, such as a Hummer.

Undercover Cop
Why does the highway slow to a crawl when you’re around?  Why does your friends hide stuff from you like you’re a narc?  Well, it’s probably because you drive something that looks like something a cop would drive!  You’ve had it happen.  You’re cruising down the highway at a brisk pace and those tell-tale lights appear in your rear view mirror.  You have no idea so you slow down way too far below the speed limit… just to be sure.  You can never be too careful, right?  I hate to break it to you, but that’s you.  Don’t expect to be invited to any illegal activity any time soon, plus people are more disappointed when they find out you’re not a cop!

Most likely you’re driving Chevy Capri, Crown Vic, or Dodge Charger in black with steel rims and seriously, take off the brush bar.

So as you’re probably aware, this list is just for fun.  Maybe you just like the car.  The reality is in the world of cars stereotypes are comical at best and nobody takes them seriously so feel free to drive the car you love and make it’s identity yours.  Don’t let anyone’s statements, including these, deter you from buying the car you want.  Even if it is made for a girl!